I have no idea in what format I should be writing this. I have many thoughts and few of them form anything cohesive. So here are the upbeat musings of a girl who tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. I’m sorry if that sentence is shocking or upsetting to you, but it’s the truth. I hope you’ll stay with me for the entirety of this little update, and the continued general hiatus.
1.) I feel so much better. It’s remarkable how one unbearable moment can feel like it has always been that agonal, like it will never cease to be as unbearable as it is that second. There always is a more promising horizon. It’s not sustainable to always feel at your worst. I felt like my life was over, but it would only have been over if I’d successfully made it so. I have loads of opportunities ahead of me. I say that as someone who often feels as if I have nothing but pain and fear ahead of me. If I can find morsels to cling to- me, the girl who’s tried to end her life four times- then I know you can, too, no matter the depths of your suffering.
2.) Panic at the Disco has been a recent re-discovery of mine and it’s felt sublime to simply walk the sunny, floral streets of my hometown and dancewalk (it’s a word now) to This is Gospel at ungodly volumes. I recommend it.
3.) I’m a very good big sister. First of all, I go to all of my baby brother’s soccer games. Neither of my parents can even boast that. More importantly, I am very emotional, of course. But never AT him. He sees me cry, he’s heard me scream, he’s seen EMTs and ambulances, but I’ve always made a point of having a candid, productive conversation about what he’s seen, in which he knows briefly what my struggles are but also knows they don’t reflect on him, and in which he knows that I love him more than anyone and anything (my dog is a close second). He will grow up with a sensitive antenna for others like me, an enhanced degree of empathy for others who are different from him, emotionally and interpersonally. My brother is heading into middle school this coming year. He’s good looking, athletic, and popular. He’ll have no social limitations placed upon him, but I am confident he will tenderly navigate the infection of middle school and the complexity of adolescence. Anyone who is struggling could be his big sister…..
4.) I really need to get to college. I’ll be out of the house. I’ll make new friends and be able to choose who in my past life I want to continue to make valuable to me. I always envied my friends who are already off at college, for this ability. Aside from being grateful that these people have continued to involve me in their life, I wanted the freedom that they had. Soon, I will have it. Not only will I get to decide when to wake up, go to bed, what to eat, what classes to go to and how late to stay out, but I’ll be able to forge my own interpersonal path, and at the school I’m happily attending, the options will be limitless.
5.) I can’t hedge my bets on college too much. I will mess up. I will disagree with people, they’ll disagree with me. I’ll lose a bit of weight probably, and there’s a chance I’ll gain it. I’ll go through slumps where attendance is hard. I’ll feel alone, aimless, at times. Things won’t always go exactly as I’d planned them to. I am building my emotional muscles up in these months, before I go off to school, in order to not collapse when someone says mean things to me, when I get a bad grade, when I sleep in on accident.
6.) I’ll write soon, with every thorough degree of honesty and self awareness that I can muster, about why I did what I did, but I can’t yet. I’ll also write soon about my experience in my local hospital’s adult ward. It was fascinating and I took notes! Nellie Bly WHO?
7.) If you’re reading this and you know that you said or did something hurtful in the weeks, months, year leading up to my last few weeks, I forgive you.
8.) The outpouring of love from precisely hundreds of people- every comment, like, message, email, text, DM, letter, from strangers and acquaintances to close friends- has touched my heart in ways I didn’t previously understand to be possible. I’m forever grateful for the people who love and care for me. Thank you all, and I want you to remember that every one of you has a network at least as big as mine. Try being as open as I am. It will likely pay off.
9.) I got a bit of familial heat for my last update, when I acknowledged that I tried to kill myself. I know that what I did was extremely painful for my family and treatment team to see me through. It never gets easy but this time was worse than they’ve gotten me through before, and I want to publicly thank my parents for everything they’ve done for me in the moments and weeks since my attempt. I’m sorry that I tried to leave. I couldn’t help it.
I’ll be a little while longer. Thanks for staying with me.