I don’t know what I would say if I were to have a conversation with you, though I’ve played it over in my head many times. We’ve exchanged words a few times and it took so much self restraint not to say this all to you, but it wasn’t my place over DM’s. I still can’t be candid, here. But I have some thoughts for you.
You and I are very much alike. I know this based on very little information, and you know this (I assume you do) based on quite a lot of information. I’m sorry you know so much about me. It isn’t really fair. You should be able to live your own life and your own relationship without shoes to fill.
I don’t really know what’s happening in your relationship. If I know anything, there are bright spots and very dark spots that aren’t being talked about. When I dated him, he’d never dated anyone before. I hadn’t loved anyone like I did him at the time, so neither of us knew what the f*** we were doing. Now I have some knowledge to pass on to you.
You’re so much more valuable than you are being treated.
You shouldn’t have to even know my name, but you do.
I’m sorry you know my name.
He can’t have turned a switch and become a different person, so here are some bits of advice I wish I’d had someone giving me, back then.
Falling in love very fast leads to falling out of it very hard and very painfully. This was the hardest lesson I had to learn. I thought I was careful with him, I thought we were friends first. But it started in February and ended in August. That is SO little time. I thought it was an eternity, that I’d done my due diligence, but it takes years of ups and downs to know someone as well as he says he knows you.
You’re not immortal and neither is he. This goes for invincibility too.
Everything he says to you, he’s said to me. That’s how I know what he’s telling you. I don’t mean this in a gloating way, at all. I wish I’d never been told that I made him feel fuzzy, that I was his best friend, that I was the love of his life. I wish we’d never watched Harry Potter, basketball games, John Mulaney together. This isn’t a gloat. I want this to raise eyebrows on you! He probably cares about you, maybe a lot, but you are a recipient of his own self image first and foremost. He will project onto you all kinds of loving words and phrases without really valuing your sense of self and individualism.
I know it’s so hard to be skeptical of someone who sounds like a walking John Donne poem and writes to you. But you have to be. I wasn’t and it was extremely, excruciatingly painful.
He isn’t all you have, not even close.
You deserve a lot better, even though I know you don’t think that. From what I know, you’re wonderful.
You will find someone better once one of you goes off to college. You’ll know what it’s like to be really free with someone, be an adult with someone, and you can’t find that with a child.
Relationships are built on trust. I know there are parts of him you don’t trust, even if subtly. He told me that I was the “only one he lied so much to.” This isn’t possible. There are many ways in which he’s lying to you. Listen to your skepticism.
I hope we can be friends someday.
Finally, you suffer from mental illness. I don’t know what kind, though I assume he fishes in the same pond (as we all do), so we likely overlap. I know you’ve been lonely in your life, anxious, sad, scared. I felt all of those things, and I thought that his love and companionship was the solution. He isn’t the answer to those experiences. No one person is ever the answer, but he especially isn’t. I know, I know, I know he seems like it. Please trust someone who’s been there.
You know I’ve moved on from him, though not from what he did, so I hope you know that this is coming from a place of earnestness and hope that I can improve your life. You sound like a wonderful girl who, given better circumstances, I’d be friends with.
If you have any questions, talk to me. Otherwise, I’ll talk to you when it’s all over.