I have a bit of a different message for today. I’m happy. I’m really, genuinely, profusely happy in my own skin, for the first time in a large handful of years.
I adore my friends and relationships; I feel truly valued and important and heard within them. I adore my body and how it can perform tasks well for me, at this stage of fitness and nourishment. I adore my school, my roommates, my honors program, my classes. My therapy and medication are in the perfect spot. I’ve graduated high school!
I had my college orientation over this last weekend, and it was the best time of my life. I made some amazing friends, made my schedule, and learned about all of the resources that my school has for me.
To start, most if not all of the kids in the honors program with me are in the same boat. They got into traditionally “better” schools (the definition of which is fading into my rearview mirror more every day) but chose our school because of our massive scholarships, honors acceptance, and urban location. I’m thrilled to be with like-minded people.
I made my schedule. I’m taking as many classes as I can- five, exactly, equaling seventeen credits- because I need to keep my mind activated and busy. I love every class, even if my political statistics (not its exact name) course seems like drudgery, especially compared to my two philosophy related courses. I know that in order to keep my mind off of past trauma, one of the best coping mechanisms available to me is filling my time to the brim.
I learned about the mental health resources on my campus. Because the school is so big, it has a huge number of therapy groups, ranging from trauma to eating disorders, suicidality to general mental health and everything in between. Something I’m particularly excited about is trauma-focused yoga. My therapist has long been telling me to try this but I haven’t known where to go. Starting on August 21st, I’ll have that available to me, and four minutes’ walk from where I sleep.
Speaking of where I sleep, I’ll be sleeping within 500 feet of 6 of my close friends at the school. How lucky am I?
I’m eating and exercising right. I go to the gym either four or five days a week. It’s a 20 minute jog to the gym, I either swim or use the elliptical for 30 minutes once I’m there, and it’s a 35 minute slow walk back. I feel muscular and strong, and others who are important to me have noticed the change. I’m also mostly unconcerned with the quantity of my food, and concerned more-so about how my food makes me feel.
I’m on a good medley of medications. I recently started taking another sleep medication, and though it lowers my blood pressure and dehydrates me more, my nights are much more restful. Sleeping well is lifting my mood immeasurably, as is birth control, which targets the somewhat new theory that I become intensely hormonal at one point in the month, a point which has lead to suicidal ideation, intense emotions, and frequent panic when activated.
I’m still a bit stuck in past trauma, and I’ll cover that further another day, but I know that I’m doing better than the people who hurt me and that’s a kind of satisfaction that money can’t buy.
I just want to say thank you for your continual support, and I want you all to know that I’m doing really, really well, and I can’t wait for the rest of my life.