Latest posts by Olivia (see all)
- The Kim Kardashian Test - October 29, 2019
- I’m grateful for my parents, and they’re grateful for me - October 25, 2019
- New Relationships and Fear - October 20, 2019
I am constantly afraid.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing really well. School is great, my friends are wonderful, my family relationships are good, I have both an internship and a job, and I’m active and healthy. Nothing is tangibly wrong. That’s the nature of PTSD, though.
It seems to me as if I will forever be affected by my abusive relationship. It feels like it’s never going to go away and I’m never going to recover.
I intellectually understand that I probably will, but I keep hearing that time is the solution, the flighty temptation that it is, and never am I given relief or solace by the very thing that’s been promised to provide it.
It’s maddening. I want so badly for the dreams to go away. I want to be able to make it through a debate without imagining his face and having fear wash over me in a shiver of a motion, taking my mind off of anything else and face-planting it onto fear.
I am terrified of the shoe dropping at any time. At any time, his girlfriend could have made a fake account to follow me. When it was happening, over a year ago, I was constantly woeful and scared. That feeling is stored in my body as trauma, now. Not only is there a tangible fear of his girlfriend, but there’s the residual fear of him, and neither ever seem to abate.
So, yeah. That’s what I’m struggling with. It’s really hard and it never seems to get better.